Well I did it. Not it, if I did IT I guess I would not be typing.
I fell asleep at the computer some time and woke up early. It was early but the sun was already coming up. I was still dressed so I washed my face and brushed my teeth and pulled my hair up. I slipped on some old sneakers and just walked out of the front door. I started walking and just kept going. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I wasn't. But I felt a real purpose to my self, something pulling me, or pushing I don't know which. But I have been praying to who for what I don't know and just felt if I kept going I might get an answer. Ever felt like you were onto something. I know I have, sometimes it is a false lead, but if I keep moving I find it eventually. Well as the sun was really coming into the sky, slanting enough to paint the tree tops the otherworldly pink/orange/purple that sings the same notes of your soul, I came around a corner and as I took a step to start up the next hill I saw her. She was laying at the crest of the hill, she was beautiful. She sensed me and raised her head, cocked it and gave me a soulful look that belied her fur and the fact that her insides were crushed and splayed out around her back legs. She was dead, she knew it, I knew it, her essence had just not drained out all the way yet. The pinks and purples carressed her. The orange held her close. Her quiet pants ceased and she took a deep breath closed her eyes and pointed her face right into the sun and for one brief moment everything stopped and then she was gone. Her head fell hard. It was over. And I knew then. That was me. I got my answer. I am ready to turn my face to the sun. I want to be bathed in that beautiful light. So I bought a ticket. I am going back. It all comes full circle. I will complete it. The land I grew up on is old and abandoned now, but the old barn is still there. I know somehow if there is anything left to resist being THERE will trump it. I am not for one second going to sound like I want ANYONE to join me that feels gross. I don't know how this will go down, but having a ticket makes me know it will happen. It is time. So if anyone wants directions let me know. If not please know there is nothing more wonderful for me than to think anyone or all of you are getting better, healing, finding the magic in your life. I wish that for you all. I am just done wishing that for me. I am going to make my peace. I am a victim no more.
I love you all. I am not going just yet. I will be around a bit, there are some things I need to put in order. Please don't go after me about this. I will talk to you about anything, but will justify no more. I have my sign.
I fell asleep at the computer some time and woke up early. It was early but the sun was already coming up. I was still dressed so I washed my face and brushed my teeth and pulled my hair up. I slipped on some old sneakers and just walked out of the front door. I started walking and just kept going. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I wasn't. But I felt a real purpose to my self, something pulling me, or pushing I don't know which. But I have been praying to who for what I don't know and just felt if I kept going I might get an answer. Ever felt like you were onto something. I know I have, sometimes it is a false lead, but if I keep moving I find it eventually. Well as the sun was really coming into the sky, slanting enough to paint the tree tops the otherworldly pink/orange/purple that sings the same notes of your soul, I came around a corner and as I took a step to start up the next hill I saw her. She was laying at the crest of the hill, she was beautiful. She sensed me and raised her head, cocked it and gave me a soulful look that belied her fur and the fact that her insides were crushed and splayed out around her back legs. She was dead, she knew it, I knew it, her essence had just not drained out all the way yet. The pinks and purples carressed her. The orange held her close. Her quiet pants ceased and she took a deep breath closed her eyes and pointed her face right into the sun and for one brief moment everything stopped and then she was gone. Her head fell hard. It was over. And I knew then. That was me. I got my answer. I am ready to turn my face to the sun. I want to be bathed in that beautiful light. So I bought a ticket. I am going back. It all comes full circle. I will complete it. The land I grew up on is old and abandoned now, but the old barn is still there. I know somehow if there is anything left to resist being THERE will trump it. I am not for one second going to sound like I want ANYONE to join me that feels gross. I don't know how this will go down, but having a ticket makes me know it will happen. It is time. So if anyone wants directions let me know. If not please know there is nothing more wonderful for me than to think anyone or all of you are getting better, healing, finding the magic in your life. I wish that for you all. I am just done wishing that for me. I am going to make my peace. I am a victim no more.
I love you all. I am not going just yet. I will be around a bit, there are some things I need to put in order. Please don't go after me about this. I will talk to you about anything, but will justify no more. I have my sign.
