hi flash and all. not trying to lurk.not trying to do anything but get caught up on all i missed. i really can't. it's just more of the same. as some of you deduced i was in the hospital, but was released yesterday. my mom's still here. My dad, too. Fuck my whole family is cming in like I'm going to die tonight. that's not the way the disease works, guys. seems like I will just be pitiful and sickly the rest of my life. which is not going to be long if this is the quality i have to lok forward to. not trying to osund like lt at all, but i can envision how it would end. hell, i've got a medicine cabinet full of some heavy ass drugs. i could just put on some Miles Davis, open a bottle of port, pop the whole damn lot of em and just fade into the sunset.

i want to make one point very,very clear, however. I am not angry or bitter or upset about anything in my life. the time I had was wonderful, beautiful, and i lived it to the fullest. turns out my expiration date was just a little sooner than the rest of yours. this thing that i have now is not the life i signed on for. it is not a happy life and i am not going to live in abject misery for the rest of the time i have here-- even if that time is 50 more years or whatever.

imagine *never* being able to be intimate with another living soul

god, it's disgusting

my time here is really over soon

and let me explain something to every one of you - if any of you tries (SPACESHOT) to "call the authorities" or stop this then you are a fool. if I want to end my miserable existence, then i will do it, even if i have to fashion a rope out of toilet paper that i collect over three months in lockdown in some nuthouse

or i'll just stop eating and taking m meds

i'm not saying im 100% on this. hell, maybe i wake up tomorrow and feel like a new man.

i don't wnt any help, any sympathy, any love. nothing. i don't want anything.

you can all sympathize (if you chose) or fuck you can hate me and blister me for that matter.

in the end, it JUST DOESN'T MATTER.

you can't empathize. none of you understands my plight.

and i hoenstly don't care

seriously thought of never coming back here again, but there you have it

spaceshot, you are a damn angel. maybe the BEST person I have ever met.

i will talk to you again before this is all over. just can't right now.

i don't leave here with hate or anger or anything. with the exception of spaceshot, everyo one of you miserable motherfuckers need to re-assess your priorities.

do you really want to spend your days filled with hate and rage like you do here?

or as our brooding curmudgeon soco says -- get ou there and live your fucking lives!!!