X you are right about how we talk to Flash and how he gets it. You know for all our banter with you about your edge, I really appreciate your sharp insight into things. You seem to see through a lot of stuff, and despite my ribbing I do respect you and your insights. I also miss you when you are not around here. I think I could learn a lot from you. I think we could all learn a lot from each other. It is hard when we get so muddled in our stuff though. I don't even know how to respond to that weirdness DS put up about me last night. Kinda creepy. Soco called him pretty well but still icky. Do you really think I am such a space cadet? I guess nevermind that sounds needy and like I am looking for affirmation, and you know I feel clearer every day in a way I never have and it is not just having had a date. It is like I got a hold of a loose thread in the veil obscuring my view to reality and started to pull and it starting to unwind. I hope it does not get knotted. I guess I don't have much to say, just wanted to say I do admire how you figure stuff out so quickly and it almost always rings true to me. I think I might like to get some insight in why the heck I fall asleep when LT comes on and I swear I don't mean to and then I really feel bad, well I did, then I realize, why the hell would I feel bad for being tired, timing I guess, too weird. It did hurt my feelings he was mad I went out with a new guy. I also adore Flash and then kind of want to slap him when I am being real and he wants to look at my boobs. Miles, well, I guess I will let that go. He obviously only wants what he wants from me when he wants it and I get he is having a hard time and won't judge. Just a lesson in not keeping myself wide open when someone else only cracks their door. Lessons. So many lessons. Do you think they get any easier? That they can come gently not like being mowed down my a mac truck. I don't want to be weak and get my feelings hurt, but I don't want to ignore my feelings, but I don't trust them either right now. I feel a bit dizzy. Mostly I am happy and getting clearer. I feel like I will be more open with myself as the days go on. Everytime I open up and dont get my entrails handed to me on a platter i feel even safer. I am getting tired of getting anger back. I am sort of done with enciting violence and anger. I heard that song, try a little tenderness, that is what I want. That is why I like Michael. I just want some peace. I want to create my life not react my way through. I am starting to let my light shine out again and see people respond to it. There are people out there that want to be happy, that want to heal, I can help. I know I can. I have before and I will again. I am not going to try to help people that don't want it. I don't want my marytr archetype to be driving anymore.
Oh well, good luck on your paper X and sorry I have been short to you lately. You know when you change everything is so raw. I still have that piece so loud that says this is all a farce and I should give it up and just go jump off a bridge. It is wierd, I would expect that the better I got the more that would go away, it seems louder the closer I get to where I want to go. Being afraid can wear you the hell out. I am going to draw. I got a beautiful journal for myself and some lovely bubble bath. It is not even my birthday. It was a treat. I used to draw all the time, until it got shut down. So much got shut down. I am opening old and new doors everyday and it scares the shit out of me and delights me too.

Thats all. Tonight should be a good night. Oh and I know the devil. He and I talk often. He likes to play chess and does not cheat. He also does not do as much bad stuff as you think, he does not have to, we do it to ourselves and each other. He stirs the pot once in a while, but roots for the other side, with out the other side, how boring would things be.

Listening to Johnny Cash, Ring of fire and I've been everywhere. I love him. I bet he talked to the devil once or twice. If you know yourself enough you will find that a conversation with devil is very interesting and enlightening. But you have to stay on your toes and know when it is time to go. And once you go you have to walk away clean into your light or you might not make it back. So yes I know the devil. He has nothing on what we do to ourselves and each other.

Your mother was a smart woman. I stay well clear of anything like that anymore. That was mostly me rambling which I tend to do. What do you mean 'slip'? Sad getting better makes others worse. What is that about do you think? Maybe makes their fears more real?
As for luck, well, I can't help believing something going on out there has a hand in things, so why not look for it to be luck?